So why didn’t the center work out? I could be all spiritual about it and say that it just wasn’t God’s timing. And honestly, that’s just true. It just is. The virus kept the main pain doctor away from the center and the virus closed half the facility down so what was the point in being there. I’m disappointed. To say the least. Really really wanted the specific time to focus on resting and getting tools to deal with the pain in my chest. But it wasn’t meant to be. And while I was disappointed I thought of Abraham. The purpose wasn’t in the result, but the process. Maybe the whole purpose of me going there wasn’t the result but the process of getting there. Of allowing people to hold me up when I am not strong enough to stand on my own. Of allowing the thought that maybe, just maybe, I was worth caring for when I was at my darkest, not when I was superman. Maybe that’s what it was all about. The journey. The climb itself.
Also…it didn’t help that the moment I arrived and checked into the lavender smelling lobby, I knew something wasn’t right. I was expecting a guy in a white pant suit to greet me with a cucumber laced wet towel and a refreshing orange drink. Instead, I was taken to a room where I was stripped so they could check for bruises etc and while I did, they took my clothes and luggage and kept them and searched them. And I didn’t see them again for 9 hours. I quickly knew this wasn’t what I thought it was. Luckily I had the presence of mind to know…if I threw a fit…they might just think of a reason to keep me there. And they had my keys!
So, I stayed calm. That day and the next. Calm but still no clothes other than what was on my back. Woke me up every hour all night to “room check”. They never did that in Cabo!
I finally realized that this place was more for addicts than it was voluntary folks looking for a retreat to rest and get some help with chronic pain. Most of the pain things they dealt with had to do with things like back pain and addiction to opioids as a result. But the whole time I also realized that if I got upset that they still had my keys! 🙂
So I said it was time to leave and eventually after talking to a number of doctors and administrators and after they saw my blood and urine samples come back clean and the fact that no one knew why I was there…they gave me my keys. And my underwear.
And then I felt free. And trapped. Co existing feelings.
Free to go…but go where? I still needed help. I had called my pain doc and counselor in Denver and we set up a 30 day plan to get help at home. And it will begin soon. But, still. I was exhausted and so I drove to a hotel and checked in for a couple of days. Eventually worked my way back home.
And of course I was glad to be out of there but yet…not. And I realized something odd. The feeling of freedom and being trapped co-existed. I felt both of them equally strong. How can that be? It was like biting into a chocolate chip cookie with sea salt on it.
“For the joy set before him, he endured the cross”. What was it that Jesus felt on the cross anyway? He felt abandoned…”my God, my God…”. He felt pain. Yet he also felt love and compassion too. How did he do that? How was he experiencing so much physical pain and yet had the presence of mind and spirit to offer forgiveness to the thief next to him?
He experienced pain and purpose at the same time. One is really distracting. Physical pain is incredibly distracting and makes life difficult to function at times. Like someone smashing your hand with a hammer and then handing you an algebra equation.
And so I’m disappointed. And thankful. Still in pain and yet hopeful for purpose…co-existing.
Brint's Blog 