At 12 years old I learned something good. That I could take care of myself. The circumstances that caused that are “not good”. But it was good that I learned that ability. As time wore on it became a measure of my value to the world. In fact, I believed I had no value if I didn’t actually provide that for myself and others. But it was good…it kept me safe.
I set out to prove that I was not a burden. That in fact I could inspire others and take care of them and provide and protect. I wanted to be the opposite of a burden, I wanted to help others burdens. All good.
When the abuse happened I quickly tried to take care of others who knew about it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. I hid it, didn’t say anything more, I just wanted to ensure I didn’t take up space on their plate. In fact, I wanted to take other things off their plate. When I was 12 and trying out for the Little League World Series team I was approached by the coach and told I was the leader and had to lead the team. I was 12. He told me leaders couldn’t have a bad day or a bad attitude because everyone was looking at me. I was 12. When I was 19 and working in a factory I had a guy offer to kill another guy for me. I had gotten into an argument and this guy stepped in and pulled me aside and told me he would do it. For $500. He wanted to. I found myself talking this guy out of something so absurd and helping him through a tough time. I was 19. He was in his mid 30s.
I found unique ways to take things off people’s plates. I became funny. I’m hilarious actually. I wanted to inspire others. I wanted to give generously with money and time and help. And I did. All in an attempt to prove my worth.
As time went on though, something happened. What was good…became extreme. It’s good to care for others, inspire, protect, provide. It’s good. The world applauds it. People follow it. But it became extreme because…my value depended on it. Think about that. If I didn’t provide, inspire, protect, I had no value to the world and the people in it. THAT is extreme. THAT is not good.
Not too long ago I reached that point that I thought would never come. I had dodged that bullet my whole life. I had cheated it, dodged it, ignored it, lied about it. I came close at times, but always at the last minute, pulled it out of a dive. I always put a bow on it. Until recently. I couldn’t pull it out of a dive. And I actually believed I had no value. That I was a pure burden. It caught up to me.
What was good, became evil.
“There is no evil, there is only good taken to extreme”
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