I’ve spent most of my life making things balance. Making things “right”. Or trying to. Accounting always made sense to me. Reconciling. Balancing. Finding the missing piece and plugging it into the puzzle. The puzzle tells a story. Balancing is two halves equaling a whole.
To reconcile there needs to be an understanding of both sides of the equation. I’ve never been content just knowing the answer or one half. I always want to know the full story.
But now I’m faced with some things that don’t reconcile. I don’t know how to build the bridge.
My adoption – why was I saved out of an abusive family situation as a baby and my brothers were not? On one hand it’s a gift, a blessing. My mom an alcoholic, my father missing, my brother dies of AIDS and tremendous physical abuse from boyfriends of my moms. My mom and brothers took the hit, I was spared. I was unwanted. Neither my mom or dad wanted anything to do with me. Even after I found them at 45 years old. Mom passed shortly after reading a note from me. Dad is still alive and refuses contact. How do I reconcile those things? They don’t make sense.
My trauma at 12 – chosen yet unprotected. Doesn’t reconcile. To say the least.
I spent most of my life performing so that I would be loved. That’s how I reconciled the shame. The shame dug a hole of no value and performance filled that hole.
But what happens when performance doesn’t fill the hole? What happens when I try to right a wrong and simply can’t perform enough to fill the hole? How do I build the bridge then? How do I right the wrong?
My performance has run out. Physically and mentally I just ran out. Shame then took over. So ashamed. The hole ran deep. Much deeper than I thought.
At times in accounting there is a thing called a “plug”. When something doesn’t reconcile an accountant may give up and “plug” the hole. Just make an entry to erase the missing piece. For example, when you go to reconcile your checking account and it’s “off”, you may look for a little bit but if you can’t figure it out, you will just plug the hole with the missing amount.
If you owe a debt and you can’t pay it, sometimes the person you owe the debt to will “write it off”. Again, just make an entry to bring the account to balance, to fill the hole. To reconcile. It is then described as the debt being “forgiven”.
So I figured out the bridge between what was done and how to be whole…
Forgiveness.
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