Slow the boat…

One time in a speed boat we stopped it too quickly and the wake caught up and came over the back of the boat.

If we had slowed the boat to a stop it wouldn’t have happened. The abrupt stop is what caused it.

I learned this week that I’ve created a lifestyle that makes it hard to slow down. I performed. It was genuine, but not sustainable. What I learned was a young boy had to perform to get attention. He was unprotected so he learned that if he performed, maybe he would be worthy of protection.

I don’t fully know how to stop it. It’s a speed boat speeding across the water and I can’t stop it abruptly. I actually feel like I’m outrunning my own wake. I literally can’t stop for fear of being overwhelmed. It can be exhausting.

I performed because I thought it was the only way I would be loved. I had to provide and protect and inspire. If I didn’t, what value was I to this world. If I just stopped performing what would happen.

I like providing. I like protecting. I like leading. It’s how God made me. But…when taken to extreme, it’s evil. I need to slow the boat.

But how? I don’t know. How will people react? I don’t know. How will I react?

I wonder if I will like myself when I’m a rowboat and not a speedboat. I wonder if anyone else will.