MJ…

I’ve been watching the Michael Jordan series “The Last Dance” the last 4 weeks. It’s all about the last season of Jordan’s career with the Bulls but it’s really inclusive of his whole career. Something hit me watching last night’s episode.

There was a lot of talk and interviews about Jordan’s competitiveness and “win at all costs” attitude. People didn’t like him. Teammates didn’t. Opponents didn’t. He was a jerk. He drove hard himself and he drove others hard. He couldn’t stand losing.

When he was talking about those times, now in his 50s, he choked up. The reason…because being at the top is lonely. Everyone wants to knock you off. People don’t have the same drive as you are so instead of admiring it, they knock it, criticize it and tear it down. People wanted to knock him down, and it was because of their own insecurities. They were willing to criticize someone else just so they felt better about themselves. It was sad. And he was lonely. So much so that he stopped the interview. It was clear that he not only was alone in his drive for greatness, he was lonely because people misunderstood it.

David felt the same way. Because of jealousy, Samuel ordered David killed. Jealousy.

Jealousy wore Jordan down. The greatest of all time quit because he was tired of the attacks, of the jealousy and tearing down. He was…and is to this day…lonely.

I remember when I was younger I never played basketball until my senior year in high school. I tried out for the team and made varsity. School newspaper article said, “James, better late than never”. And I remember guys in practice every day going harder at me so as to prove coach wrong. They enjoyed my failures. It drove me harder…but it was pretty lonely.

For me there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Sometimes they are tied sometimes they are not. I can speak in front of hundreds of people and when I’m done, I feel extremely lonely. I’m not alone…they all feel connected to me, but I feel lonely.

They say “it’s lonely at the top” and yet some people want to be “at the top”.

There’s another kind of loneliness. It’s the kind that comes from being the only one. To be completely alone. Isolation is really the most painful punishment. Solitarely Confinement is what it’s called in prison. It has been proven to have long-term serious mental and physical side effects on prisoners.

I say this not because I am comparing anything I’m feeling to Jordan’s or a prisoner’s experience.

What I am saying is that I understand the concepts.

Today was a much better day health wise. Much better. And as I write I don’t feel as lonely. And then, I read David’s Psalm and realize loneliness is a prison in and of itself. While he was alone in a cave, his real prison was loneliness. As I go through these sessions I talk more and more about the details of the pain and trauma. The more I do it the less lonely I feel. Light casts out shadows. When I’m asked “what’s it like”, another light turns on in the cave.