Safe.
I remember when I was 12 there were twins who played baseball in my hometown. Donny and Ronny. They were kind of cocky…but they were good. One was a pitcher, the other was the catcher.
When I tried out for the all-star team that summer and I came to bat, Donny (the catcher) talked a little trash to me telling me his brother was going to strike me out. I proceeded to tell him that not only was I going to hit his brother, I was going to steal second and third. Next pitch I hit a single to left field. Next pitch I took off and Donny tried to throw down to the shortstop and I slid into second…safe. Next pitch I took off again and Donny tried again, throwing to the third baseman…safe. A few pitches later Ronny was goofing around on the mount and turned his back on me at third and I took off sliding into home….safe.
I don’t know why it came up today but some guy I was playing golf with was talking to his buddy and they both worked at a manufacturing plant for the oil and gas industry. One was let go…the other was “safe”.
My stomach was turning for a few holes and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I heard them talking more and I realized it. It was that word…safe.
As I type it lying here in bed, I am tearing up. Safe.
I haven’t felt safe since I was 12. Since those events 42 years ago, I have been trying to protect myself. Every day my chest hurts there’s a voice in my head that wonders…is today the day? Then I find myself in nearly every situation looking for “safety”. When at an ice cream place downtown with a long line out the door and sketchy cars driving by, I find myself looking for the “escape” should one of those sketchy cars create a problem.
I carry a gun and always have one at the ready at night. I have an alarm on the house. I am always aware of my surroundings. And it goes deeper than that. I also protect emotionally. By performing. If I simply excel at things and then also excel at providing for and protecting others, then I’m “safe”. I can’t be hurt if I’m performing.
It’s exhausting.
How do other do it. Do others feel safe? Do most people even think about it?
What would make people feel safe? What does that even mean?
I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what it would be like to not constantly be protecting. Performing. Lately I’ve dabbled in it. Feels weird…”vulnerable”.
And of course talking about it, typing it…I feel less safe. What will people think? Will they use it to hurt me?
Here’s what I’m hoping for…that full vulnerability will create safety. Ironic. But if I’m completely vulnerable, there’s nothing to “protect”. I might get hurt, but at least it’s honest and not because I “failed” at performing or protecting myself.
Proverbs 29 – Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe.
This week’s sessions are all about feeling safe.
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