Long night last night. Every now and then I have dreams about the past and that makes for a long night. And then I had to laugh at myself today. As I processed and thought more and more about being safe, and then as I thought about what I wrote yesterday, I had tremendous regret. In fact, I looked back at a number of things I’ve written…and felt a lot of regret.
Ironic though.
For years, and years, and years, I’ve touted and shouted that “vulnerability” is the key to intimacy. I’ve even said “people will not identify with your success, they will identify with your failures”.
In group leadership settings and in front of hundreds of doctors and nurses and college kids…I’ve talked about vulnerability and….I’ve been vulnerable.
And I believed it! For other people! 🙂
And here I am over the last couple of months sharing some things that are vague and some things that are specific but all things that are vulnerable. And regretting it!
Do as I say not as I do…
Why do I regret it? Because it’s not safe! On one hand it’s not that risky because I’m not sure if anyone actually reads this so I pretend no one does and it’s like a diary. And when I’ve spoken in groups I tend to not stick around long after so as to essentially pretend I didn’t do it. On the other hand I’ve had a couple people comment on some things I’ve written so now I know others have seen it. And said nothing. So that means I’m unsafe. People could be using my personal vulnerabilities against me. Talking about me. Thus….regret…
Today as I was thinking about this and processing the safety thing, a song came on. Amazing God’s timing.
Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’
Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid if someone saw them they would leave you
But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you
God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows
I’ve known that song for a while but never really listened to the lyrics. It was like it was written for me. “Keep a cover over every single secret…”
And so I regret I have shared something about the secrets.
Then I realized something…the secrets have been fighting to be revealed. I’ve tried and tried to hide, to keep secrets. I thought that’s what the secrets wanted, to be hidden. But turns out the secrets have been fighting to be revealed.
They no longer wanted to live in the shadows…they wanted to know I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore.
It doesn’t matter what others think of the secrets. And there have been many who have not believed the secrets. Many who have judged them or thought I was making them up. Friends. Family. Doctors. So many doctors. A girl I dated named Angie when I was 16…”you don’t have to fake a medical condition to get me to like you”. (I can remember where I was standing when she said that to me.)
And so I hid it. As well as I could. It was as if I tried to hide but simply could not. Secrets revealed out of my control. Because that’s what happens with secrets. They need the light to heal.
It may seem safer in the shadows, but true safety comes from being known, and liked anyway. And so the light is being shown on my secrets and I’ve communicated to my secrets that they are welcome and I have great admiration for their courage.
While I don’t know what anyone else thinks, I know what I think (am learning to think). And most importantly, I am learning to know what God thinks.
God only knows…
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