In processing “safe” today, something popped out at me. Many things actually. Physically nor psychologically do I feel safe. My chest is burning, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t know if I’ll wake up. A regular experience. More to come on that…
But something I thought was particularly interesting and ironic was when I speak to crowds. Crowds in general bother me. I always thought it was just some sort of claustrophobia, but it’s not, it’s because I don’t feel safe. You’ll always find me on the edges when there is a crowd. But something different happens when I speak to a group.
When I have spoken to crowds, I have had no problem being “vulnerable”. Telling some of my story. And I’ve always said that I have zero trouble speaking to large groups but stepping off the stage and talking with an individual, THAT is incredibly uncomfortable. Afterwards I feel incredibly “unsafe” and I was never sure why. In fact, I’ve asked friends to travel with me at times just to be there with me afterwards. Now I know why.
When I was 12 and “it” happened, I learned that my safety was up to me. And that’s too young to learn and process that reality. So when I’m up front speaking to a group and I share vulnerabilities (because I believe it’s the right thing to do when leading), to me it’s like it’s not real. There is sort of an invisible wall between me and the group. But the moment it’s over and I have to talk to people one on one, the wall disappears. And they meet me. They “know” me. They see me. Or at least they think they do. I hate that. I feel so unsafe.
I asked the counselor today if anyone feels safe. Essentially the answer is yes. For the most part people feel safe. Not 100% of course. But generally.
I was asked today to picture a time when I felt safe and dwell on it and describe it. I had a tough time thinking of a time. And last night I had more bad dreams and this one was so weird. I was in a skyscraper and the window on the top floor was missing in the office building. The window washer was outside and there was a cat on the scaffolding. And he was trying to knock the cat off the scaffolding to its death. I then dove out the window to save the cat and I was dangling from my feet 40 floors up. And I’m scared to death of heights! I also had another dream…it wasn’t so weird…
I don’t know what these are about but I do know my homework. To think of a time when I felt completely safe.
I will let you know once I think of it…
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