In 2010 I went to the Mayo Clinic. Alone. I had reached a point where I was passing out often and no one knew why. Years and years of doctors and no answers. Well, there were answers, but they were along the lines of “it’s not your heart, must be in your head”.
So I called the Mayo Clinic. I had to write them and tell them what I was experiencing and why I wanted to come. Mayo doesn’t take just regular checkups. They take the hard to figure out cases. I was approved and I went alone because if the Mayo Clinic told me I was crazy…well…it must be true. And at that point, I was living a life of fear and secrets and wasn’t sure what the hell was wrong with me.
While on the bus down from Minneapolis to Rochester, I met a woman and her husband and she was coming back to Mayo for her fourth visit regarding her cancer. And the cancer was back. The looks on her and her husband’s face was something I will never forget. It was the perfect mix of fear and faith. She spent the ride on the bus down doing nothing but encouraging me. Telling me I had come to the right place and they were going to figure it out because they are the best. I arrived in Rochester with lots of fear and very little faith.
Apparently a little faith is all it takes because it caused me to make the call, tell the story and travel there to see…and after 32 years.
It was that same amount of faith that caused me to call Dr. Faber McMullen back. In 1989 I was in Houston and had just fainted at a church event I was supposed to speak at. 400 people there. The ambulance came, took me to the hospital and I spent the next 3 days going through the same old tests. Except this time they did something unusual. I spent 36 hours where they kept me awake and at the end of it they subjected me to strobe lights and all sorts of things. They were trying to see if I had a neurological problem. They thought “it was in my head”. After the doctor told me that there was nothing wrong with me I was getting dressed to leave and a woman came in and told me a doctor was going to call me the next day and he just wanted to help. I ignored him for the first few days and then finally called him back. He was the first one to see the straight line on my ekg. My heart was stopping for up to 8 seconds.
It’s that same amount of faith that has me where I am today. Getting counseling for the trauma and for the pain and seeing a pain doctor also.
The other day playing golf and talking to that guy who had lost his job and how relaxed he was, I couldn’t figure it out. He must have a lot of money. He didn’t. He worked in a factory. He said he would enjoy some time off and then “figure it out”. He was completely at peace about it. Same with that couple on the bus…peace.
How the hell did they have peace? I really don’t understand that. I only understand “unsafe”. I don’t understand peace. But I want to. Is it possible? I have to believe it is. I have to believe that I don’t have to live with my head on a swivel anymore always looking for threats whether they are inside my body or people that can hurt me. I have to believe I can have peace, safety.
My brain is like a scanner. Constantly scanning for threats. Like a ship’s radar. It’s exhausting. Flat exhausting. Today my heart has felt like it’s burning. And my scanner sees it as a threat. And of course that creates a physical reaction as well because if I’m always threatened, then my “fight flight or freeze” response is always triggered. And mine is “fight”. So that makes my heart hurt worse….the stress of feeling unsafe (threatened) all the time takes its toll on the body. (“The Body Keeps Score” is a great book!)
Mustard seed size faith…that it will work out for good…that there is a good purpose…that I will be safe….
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