Circles. Circle of life. Running in circles. Life comes full circle. Sewing circle. Vicious circle. Semi circle. Winners circle. Willy go round in circles.
That’s what I thought those lyrics said, but they don’t.
Lots of circles.
What I’m thinking about is…the inner circle.
I think more and more about feeling unsafe. The obvious cause of that comes from the trauma and also the chest pain. That’s the easy part. It’s easy for me to understand that abuse and a physical condition with my heart are both threatening.
What I’ve realized is that the physical pain also seems to threaten others. People can get pretty uncomfortable when it happens. My pattern is to apologize for making them feel uncomfortable. I genuinely am sorry.
But…why…
As I thought about the circles of relationships we all have…I looked at the “inner circle”. And I still would apologize even to those closest to me.
The inner circle doesn’t need me to. But I would anyway. 40 years of practice. 40 years of trying to not be a burden and apologize for making others uncomfortable.
It’s exhausting making others feel better about your pain. It’s like that friend who gets uncomfortable around people crying. They need someone to make THEM feel better about someone else’s pain. Ridiculous. If it’s exhausting to make the outer circle feel better about the pain, it’s even moreso the inner circle.
Today I had an episode in the counseling office. I was so tempted to apologize for making the counselor uncomfortable. Then I realized that if I didn’t feel safe with the inner circle, that’s on me. While I learned early that I couldn’t trust those closest to me, that needs to change.
No one needs me to apologize. Much less the inner circle. That should be the safest place there is.
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