I played golf with a young guy the other day. 28 years old. I had an episode on the course and one guy told him I have a heart condition and it can hurt at times. The young guy then asked me, “What’s it like?”
When I was 24 I had my first job out of college. At a church. I was the youth director. As I’ve mentioned before I had an episode at the church just before I was about to speak and I fainted.
The church freaked out and called an ambulance (understandable) and for three days I was subjected to test after test. No one from the church came to visit. Some friends from TCU drove down to Houston though.
Once I was released, I went back to work and I was met with the pastor and a number of elders. They wanted to have a meeting with me. I was taken to a conference room where the pastor and 5 elders took turns scolding me for not telling them I had a condition. They told me I was irresponsible and put the church in a terrible position and how they as elders and pastor especially because they didn’t know when people asked them what was wrong. I was stunned. I was only 24. I felt bad, I felt ashamed and I felt attacked. I listened as each of these much older men took turns lecturing me.
I was beyond embarrassed and felt about 2 feet tall. I was alone in the middle of this room with older men I had respected and they were telling me what a bad person I was for putting them and the church in the position I did.
At the end of it, they asked me what I had to say for myself. I had the clarity of mind to ask them a question. “Do any of you care what it was like for me?”
Did one of you come to visit me in the hospital? Do any of you know what it’s like to be kept awake for over a day so they can test your brain’s response to stress? Do any of you know what it’s like to have a doctor tell you there is nothing wrong with you and that I should see a psychiatrist? Do any of you know what it’s like to faint in front of 400 people?
They doubled down and made me feel worse for questioning them.
I backed off. I was young. I was hurt and once again realized I had to protect myself because no one else would do it. So I apologized and took their medicine quietly. I’ve spent most of my life apologizing and making others feel comfortable about my condition.
But shame on them. Christians…so quick to shoot their own wounded.
It was experiences like that that I learned to ask the question of others instead of judge them or ask them to hide it…”what’s it like?”. Tommy asked me that question the other day on the golf course, and it healed a piece of my heart.
For a guy who has lived in the shadows so long, those are 3 powerful words that will bring me into the light.
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