This morning I walked into my counselor’s office building and headed upstairs. A young woman at the counter asked me if she could help me? “No”, I said, “I know where I’m going”. She then told me I would need to wear a mask to enter the building. I stopped as I was walking up the stairs. And then kept walking. People everywhere in the building…no masks.
I was furious. Upset…ok. Annoyed…ok. Irritated…ok. But furious?
My injustice b.s. meter seems to have a hair trigger. Why?
I believe this virus thing will be known as the “great overreaction”. Various reasons why. Basic math.
I don’t want to argue about it because that’s not the point. But the point is I actually believe this overreaction is wrong. And I’m upset about it. Upset is understandable, but why so upset? It’s understandable that I might be frustrated or irritated….but it’s more than that for me.
Most people I know are annoyed but aren’t that upset. Why am I? I found out today why.
It’s because when there was an injustice done to me when I was a kid, no one stood up for me and said anything. No one defended me. No one. So when I perceive an injustice done as an adult, I feel compelled to go hard at that injustice. I can’t just let it roll off my back.
For example, I think I may feel way more upset about my friends Mike and David and their family businesses in jeopardy than they are. I’m way more upset about my daughter’s senior year than she is. Not to say they aren’t upset, they are. But they are more accepting and rolling with the punches. I, on the other hand, want to stand up and fight.
Because no one stood up to fight for me. Because when people have overreacted to maybe an episode with my heart, I have been asked to understand why they would do that instead of being stood up for.
To be blunt – I haven’t healed the wound. I haven’t forgiven the wrong. And I don’t trust God to stand up for me or to be just.
I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel defended. And so when I feel a wrong happening, I want to kill that fly with a bazooka. I want to make sure that no one even considers wronging me like that again.
Of course I don’t like this about myself. I want to be more forgiving and patient and understanding…but I now understand why. I’m OVER reacting to make up for the years ago when there was NO reaction.
Someday as the wound heals there will be room for gray. Room for me to allow a little “wrong” to happen and room for me to be understanding and…forgiving.
Forgiveness….it’s what will eventually cause all this to reconcile…
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