WWCD…

“There is no joy in Mudville, Mighty Casey has struck out”.

The last line of “Casey at the Bat”. My favorite poem of all time.

Today, for no reason at all, the pain level was extremely high. Nothing had happened. I had slept normal. No major stressors. Just pain. Double me over kind of pain. I decided I wanted to try and entertain the idea of acceptance. But I didn’t know how. Thought about it. Nothing. And then someone came to mind.

Casey Martin. Casey was a professional golfer in the late 90s and a teammate of Tiger Woods at Stanford. He is now the golf coach at Oregon. Casey suffers from a birth defect in his right leg called Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome. It basically means that the blood flows into his leg but doesn’t flow back out. A vascular problem. Walks with an limp and it’s extremely painful. He is now 47 years old and figured he would have lost his leg at 27 years old.

Many interviews with lots of comments and questions over the years about why not amputate the leg and he could walk without pain. I’ve heard him say things like, “It’s my leg. It’s not much, but it’s mine”. He had accepted his condition. He realized this was the leg given him and there are certain things that he simply couldn’t do. He was not going to be able to run a marathon. He gave it all he could at all times but he has limitations.

I’ve never looked at my heart condition as a limitation. It wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that I even considered the thought that me “pushing through it” was bad for it. I remember times that my heart would hurt a lot and I would get angry and go work out. Hard.

Who does that?

I think I will try and reach out to Casey. He seems to have such a great attitude about his limitation. He’s frankly more kind to himself. I somehow have picked up an attitude of being really hard on myself. My heart hurts…I get angry. If it were ANYone close to me and the same would happen I would be very kind and do what I could to help them rest and make them comfortable. But for myself…punishment.

Who does that?

Acceptance. It’s very difficult for me. It’s not a control issue. It’s a safety issue. To accept circumstances that can hurt me somehow sends a message that I am not safe. I don’t have a filter, it’s sort of a black and white.

Acceptance requires my consent.

Tomorrow is my first test. The building where my counselor is has upped their enforcement of masks to enter the building. SO stupid. Can I accept it?

WWCD – What Would Casey Do