1990s Nike commercial with Spike Lee and Michael Jordan. Spike Lee plays Mars Blackman asking MJ how he is the best player on the planet. He keeps asking, “Money, IT’S GOTTA BE THE SHOES!”
Today I had a doctor’s appointment prior to the counseling session. Walking into the doctor’s office I was already triggered. Just walking in I was agitated. It’s like PTSD or something. Then they assume everyone walking in has Ebola. Drives me crazy.
The session afterwards really brought out a lot as it relates to doctors and past experiences.
Something counselor has always said and something Casey said. Call it what it is or you won’t heal…”Trauma and Suffering”. I have such a hard time with those two words. They don’t apply to me. They apply to others. More on that later.
Anyway, the session…
Doctor experience – “We’ve run the tests and the good news is there is nothing wrong with you. Your parents would like to talk to you” “why are you faking…”
Doctor experience – “We’ve run all the tests and there is nothing wrong with you and from what you’ve told us this is about the fifth time you’ve been through this. Maybe it’s time for you to stop wasting your and others time and see a mental health professional”
Doctor experience – after my pacemaker fell into my colon and the ER doc pulled it out…”maybe if you would have taken it easy that wouldn’t have happened”.
Pastor experience – sitting in the same hospital room after about 7 days recovering from the pacemaker/colon surgery. I was ready to go home and my pastor (boss) came to pick me up. I am getting out of bed and I wince from the stitches in my gut. He says to me, “It’s ok, some people just have a low tolerance for pain”.
Girlfriend experience – “you don’t have to fake a heart issue to get me to care about you”
Doctor experience – just 9 months ago. After going through all the tests and he has seen the 12 inch scar on my chest plus the angio gram he says, “I’m not 100% convinced it’s your heart”.
Dad – “what do you want me to do about it?”
So….in session….going through all these “traumatic” experiences, I quickly face the common denominator….me. I don’t like sharing that. I don’t like telling those stories. I’m ashamed, embarrassed. Because maybe it’s just true. It could just be me. Something about me.
Mars goes through all the reasons why MJ is the greatest player. The super long shorts. The super short socks. Determines….”It’s gotta be the shoes!”.
I go through all the things it could be…and then determine….”it’s gotta be me”.
Of course I hope that’s not true and I want to believe that and of course my counselor was emphatic that it’s not and all the reasons why. But if I’m going to be honest with myself and face everything head on…I have to be willing to face that possibility. It might just be me. And if so, that’s ok. I just want to learn and face all truth head on. Truth = Freedom.
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