The body keeps score…

Starting new meds this week. Effectively “muscle relaxants”. They gave me a light dose to start. Hopefully I won’t be drooling and slurring my words. 🙂

I admit that this week I am “sick of me”. I’m sick of thinking about me, talking about me. I’m tired of me. I have been spending a lot of time doing the exercises and the emdr therapy and talking and I’m just tired of me. And of course I’m pretty sure others are too.

And I think the anxiety and stress is just a symptom of the world right now. My daughter the other day just started crying for no reason. She was upset with herself that that was happening. I actually completely understood. I believe the body keeps score of all that’s happening around it. The stress, tension, fear…our minds try to find the positive and adjust and make the best of it but our bodies…keep score. And sometimes it just has to come out.

It came out in riots. It comes out when I work out. It came out in my daughter’s tears. It just has to come out.

I was watching Frazier this week and Niles was going through this incredibly stressful time and one thing after another happened and he kept this “great attitude” and finally he went to get a coffee and asked for a straw with his coffee and they didn’t have any. The “last straw”. And he melted down. Took all his clothes off in the coffee shop and sat down to read a newspaper. He lost it. His body had been keeping score.

At therapy this week I talked about the stress of going to the doctor again. I’m going to see another cardiologist because of the burning sensation and I’m thoroughly stressed about it. I don’t want to. Period. I frankly am not doing it for me.

But the body has to let it out. When I was a kid and I let it out it was on walls or in fights. As an adult it comes out in different ways. Alone in a gym kind of thing.

The point is, I just don’t feel safe. My body, my mind, the world…I just don’t feel safe. I’m thinking that a lot of people don’t feel very settled right now. Like maybe everyone.

And so I wrestle and wrestle…is it just me, how do make peace with this…

And the body is keeping score. I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing this and I pray they have straws…