The last few days and even the last week have been pretty hectic. Work stuff has been busy (understatement) and daughter’s graduation is happening. I noticed that I haven’t been listening to Brint. I haven’t been giving him space to talk. I’m not listening.
It’s all too familiar. It is in fact the story for 42 years. Drown out the voice of the 12 year old through excelling and perfection. Make up for his shame by creating an image that people can be proud of. Isn’t that interesting…the opposite emotion of shame is…pride.
Pride has a bad rap. Why is it bad to have pride? Pride in our work. Pride in our appearance. Pride in…ourselves.
I carry shame. “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress”
I think it’s funny that it says a “painful” feeling. As if there are pleasant feelings of humiliation and distress.
I’ve been trying to make people proud of me my whole life. To offset the shame.
When I was 12 I played in a little league world series game. The pitcher for the opposite team was massive. (this was before birth certificates were required to verify age). This kid was 6’3″ at 12?! No way. Tim was his name. And no one could hit him, he threw it hard and downhill.
When I came to bat we were down by one and we had a guy on base. 4th inning. As I walked to the plate I heard my dad yell, “Take his head off Chuck!”. It was sort of a David/Goliath reference and the smooth stone I believe was the baseball. Let’s go with that.
Tim threw it and I hit it so hard and straight at him that Tim had to duck and then the ball left the ball park in dead center. It was a rocket!
The newspaper article said “Duane Bowers singled and Chuck James followed with a two run blast over the center field fence”
But here was the exciting part. As I rounded the bases and crossed home plate my teammates mobbed me and then we went to the dugout. My coach then came down to where I was sitting and he said “I think we’re going to have to get your dad some heavy shoes because he’s flying so high talking about you to the crowd…he couldn’t be more proud”
There it was. That word. The opposite of shame that I had experienced so recently. Pride. My dad had pride in me that day. And I remember that feeling now 42 years later.
When I don’t stop and listen to Brint, I think I’m sending that 12 year old a message. I’m ashamed of you, I’m not proud of you, I don’t have time for you.
And so Brint is…lonely. I am experiencing a lot of loneliness these last few days and I don’t feel safe. I’m actually not 100% sure why other than I haven’t been listening to Brint and that part of me is begging for some attention. That part of me wants to know I’m not ashamed of it.
So I work harder…to make people proud. I played in a golf tournament and I wanted to make people proud. I need it to offset the shame.
Or do I…
I don’t need to impress anyone. And it won’t work. It’s like chasing the wind. It’s a never ending pursuit and race to nowhere.
I want to be proud of me, not sick of me. I want to be rid of shame. I can’t impress people enough to cover the shame. There just isn’t enough I could possibly do.
And so I need a trump card. A reconciliation. A plug. A forgiveness. I need someone else’s opinion to matter more than my own.
My earthly father was proud of me that day. My heavenly father is proud of me every day. I need to show Brint I am proud of him and this wasn’t his fault.
Brint's Blog 