Powder keg…

Is it just me or is life just a powder keg right now?

More on that in a minute.

One time I went cross country skiing. Ok, no I didn’t. But I see people do it here in Colorado all the time. Looks miserable. Similar to riding a bike, the people behind the lead have an easier job than the person in front who is blazing the trail.

Today I thought…if I were to cross country ski and there in the way was a tree fallen across the path, there are quite a number of people I could call to remove the tree for me and they would. Without hesitation. And I’m blessed because of that.

But then I wondered something I never thought I would. Will anyone go before me and clear the path without me asking?

I have always thought my job as a leader is to “go first” and clear the path for the people I lead so they don’t have as many obstacles in doing their job or fulfilling their potential.

But lately, I have wondered if it’s ok to want to draft behind someone else and see if someone else could clear the path for me for a while.

I type this so sensibly as if sitting in a coffee shop pondering as I stare off in the distance. When in fact I am a mess today. More tears than I can count and a sense of loneliness like I didn’t think possible…all because the path I’ve traveled is hard. I wrote about being “overwhelmed” recently. And about how the things I’m overwhelmed with actually have a number. They aren’t “many” but they are “big”. Adopted, abused, not believed about my heart, the threat the heart issue brings, the pain it brings and some recent events of people discarding me after I cleared the path for them.

I say those things out loud not because my things are bigger than other people’s things. It’s not a competition. It’s my writing for me…and it’s MY voice that has to validate these things more than anyone else’s. And if I am afraid to talk about it, then it’s not valid. This crap is hard. I’m so freaking tired. And I’m so tired of being tired. So tired of….me. Yet the reason I want someone to clear the path is very simple. I want to know I’m worth it.

I look around…and I see so many are overwhelmed. This damn virus seems to have a power of its’ own. It has affected far more minds than it has bodies. People are overwhelmed by fear or frustration or both. It’s a brilliant strategy. No one is safe. If you’re safe physically you’re not safe mentally. Or vice versa. Or both. Brilliant.

Threats…I’m tired…of threats. Every day I wonder if its my last lately. So bizarre.

When I read about riots, what I “read” is frustration and no other way to express it.

The world is a powder keg. Rape and Incest national hotline is overwhelmed with children calling because they are trapped with their abuser. Suicide hotline is overwhelmed. I know the feeling. Overwhelmed.

I suppose a powder keg is a good thing? Maybe it means people still care? If I stop fighting then I’ve stopped caring?

God…the world is yours and everything in it. Where were we when you told the ocean to stop there? And yet I wonder…has God stopped caring? Has He stopped fighting for us? I understand those that think so. I do. And if He has who could blame Him.

But much like the wind on my face right now…I don’t have to see it to believe it. He is here. And if He is here, then I don’t have to fight.

God…come near…