When Mandy was about 5 she asked what it meant to accept Jesus as her savior. She had heard it in church. I explained it to her. “It’s simple honey. We were created by a creator. He loves us so much that he gave us the ability to choose to follow him, or not. When we don’t, that’s called sin and that separates us from him. So…he sent his only son, Jesus, to die for our sins and if we accept that free gift, we will be in heaven with him forever”.
Do you see where I messed up? I didn’t either…for about a week.
Mandy eagerly prayed to Jesus to come into her heart because she wanted to follow him the rest of her life. It was sincere. Amazing. And then…confusing.
For about a week after that night, every night when we would pray she would say, “Jesus, help me be blathe”.
We couldn’t figure it out. Finally we asked, what are you talking about honey. She said, “Well, daddy, you said if I accepted the gift of Jesus I will be in heaven forever. So, I’m asking Jesus to help me be “blathe”. Turns out blathe means…brave. She thought that she was going to die….right then! And she did it anyway. What amazing faith…the simple faith of a child. I wish I had it again.
I find myself asking a similar question of God lately. Help me be blathe. The pain in my chest….(I sound like a broken record)….is intense. Today…moreso than normal. It is making me rethink how to live my life. I mean how do I do that? I’m sure I’m getting short with people. I’m sure I’m overthinking and oversensitive. I’m sure I’m not as engaged. I question God. I mean, I get my work done and I work hard but I don’t have a lot of “extra” right now. And I feel terrible about it. It’s not how I want to live.
“rethinking…” I don’t know what God is trying to teach me. I really don’t. It’s honestly pretty confusing. The pain itself, the threat I feel because of the kind of pain it is…it’s very confusing. What is the point??
A friend of mine txtd me this week and said, “The fact that you’re a functioning human being is a miracle”. It was an incredibly encouraging thing to receive. I think he was saying that it takes a lot to show up. I was grateful. It was very kind.
But I need help. But I’m not sure how or what. Something tells me that it might have something to do with Mandy’s prayer 15 years ago.
Lord, help me be blathe…
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