I really hate losing. I hate losing more than I like winning. That makes me very competitive. A friend recently called me the most competitive person he knows.
But there is something I’ve lost that I can’t win back.
My childhood.
I don’t remember anything before 12. But that’s not the hard part. Can’t miss what I don’t remember. The hard part is I had to grow up at 12. That means I don’t know how to think like a 12 year old. I don’t remember the innocence of caring about a new bike or a paper route. I don’t remember admiring older baseball players. I don’t remember looking up to….anyone. I don’t remember trusting…anyone. I don’t remember the excitement of my first crush.
Tears as I type.
Therefore…the only viewpoint I have as a child…is through my eyes now.
Mirroring. I am looking at my childhood through a mirror…with my eyes.
What does all this mean?
It means that I view what happened when I was 12 (trauma and heart issues) as if I’m looking at them with adult eyes through a 12 year old body. Which ultimately means I can’t forgive myself for not stopping what happened. I can’t see it any other way. My mind can say “…of course you were 12 and innocent and small and people that were older and bigger and manipulative used you…of course you couldn’t have stopped it” But my 12 year old soul asks the question…”Why didn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you hurt the people that hurt me?”
I know…this doesn’t make much sense. It’s difficult for me too.
But it means this forgiveness…starts with me…and I can’t forgive myself.
How do I get back 12 year old eyes….
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