About a month ago I wrote an entry, “In God We Trust”. I wrestled with the premise that this entire existence and peace rests not on the word obedience, but it rests on the word trust. Do I trust him?
I don’t have peace. I don’t feel safe. My abuse. My heart. My government. All of it threatens me.
As you know, the past couple of months I have wrestled with acceptance. I (and in many cases, a lot of people) am faced with accepting the unacceptable.
Job, the holocaust, human trafficking…unacceptable, all of them. Then, in a not the same category at all but also unacceptable…state forced joblessness, kids unable to go to school and being stuck with their abusers at home because they are “quarantined” to “protect” them.
Unacceptable. How do I accept the unacceptable? Yesterday a guy in a Dodge Ram truck had such an offensive sign in the back window that I pulled in front of him on the highway, slammed my brakes to make him stop, pointed to the side of the road and demanded he pull over. I was going to beat the shit out of him for that sign. He took off, I chased, then came to my senses. But I lost it and I was hell bent on beating the crap out of that guy and then smashing his back window where the sign was. Not proud of it…but not real sorry either. That dude is…unacceptable.
But of course who am I to right these wrongs? I’m not God. It’s not my job. And I’m no different than that guy. But whose job is it? God’s right?
But where the hell is God? Where was God when Job was being assaulted by Satan. Oh wait…standing right there watching. Where was God during the holocaust? Where was God during the 400 years of Israel’s slavery? Where was God when my cousin…and where is God when my chest hurts and scares me every day? Where is God right now as governments force kids to stay home with their abusers?
But, I believe in God, and I know I’m not him and I’m no better than the worst.
So how do I reconcile the unacceptable? If I can’t right the wrongs, what do I do? What do I tell 12 year old Brint? I can tell him that I’ve got this and no one will ever hurt him again. But is that true? I actually believe it is because I have such fury in me for protection that no one will ever do that again to me or anyone close to me. It’s my way of trying to heal the wound since I didn’t protect myself back then. But…the other side of that coin is that I have to trust that there is “justice” in some way or another, or I will view it as up to me to right the wrong. I feel a great responsibility to represent the unrepresented.
And I simply don’t trust God to take care of it. I’m exhausted. And I’m certain it doesn’t help my heart.
In talking to my counselor today she said, “You’re facing a wound that said you were only valuable to be used and no one would represent you, stand up for you. You’re facing a chronic pain that threatens you and scares you. And you’re in the middle of the most tense time the earth has ever felt as a whole. So what if you wanted to kick the crap out of one monster idiot, I’d give yourself a break.”
I think people will help me if I ask. Lots of people. I have great friends and family. But will someone represent me to others? Will God? He doesn’t seem to.
The world is so tense right now. It’s everywhere. People are trying to make the best of it, but it’s out of control. Ask the national suicide hotline. Ask the national rape and incest hotline that is flooded with calls from children. Ask every kid that is wondering about school and every parent that is wondering how they are going to work and become a teacher and babysitter at the same time.
I want to talk to someone from the holocaust. I want to talk to Job. I want to talk to people in Russia about how to live in oppression. I want to talk to someone who was used and unprotected by the people that had the power to do something…and didn’t.
How does one accept the unacceptable? It happens every day. We experience things that are unacceptable. Like no tacos at a mexican restaurant. How does that happen?
I’ve said it before. In accounting it’s called a reconciliation. You find the debits and credits and balance to zero. But even in a black and white world of math, mistakes happen and there is a debt owed. Something went wrong and you can’t always find it and make it right. I’ve known accountants and auditors that will spend $1000 looking for a dime. They can’t let it go. But eventually they have to “forgive” the debt.
I understand. The jist of forgiveness is that I, the hurt, would release my “right” to punish and turn it over to someone else to deal with it. God, karma, etc. In my case, God. And I’m fully aware of a thing called grace and that it trumps justice and I’m personally thankful it does. Because I have made all those mistakes too. But how do I tell Brint it’s going to be ok…when I don’t know if it is. How do I tell him it will all work together for good when I see bad things that don’t turn out for good. (Job, holocaust, covid, human trafficking, discontinuation of sea salt almonds)
I don’t want to hear that Job got more than he had before. BS. That doesn’t change what he lost and why. That story is just cruelty if you ask me.
Of course God’s mind is not mine. Of course I’m not God. And that’s exactly what he told Job when he finally showed up. He said, “where were you when I put the sea in place?” Essentially telling Job, don’t question me, trust me blindly. Ok. I get it. I even understand it. You’re God and you created all things, you get to demand all things. Got it. And I’m absolutely aware that the creator of the universe might have a different perspective of the whole thing and that from his perspective, things make sense and work out for good. I believe that. But…
What is it about God that demands we have his perspective to trust him and then hides his perspective?? The song says, “I was there the moment that it happened, but you couldn’t see me through the shame. If you could see it through my eyes you’d know that you are wanted”. I hate that line. I CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH YOUR EYES!
One time a friend of mine came to our house and the girls were young and they went to the door and looked through the window and didn’t recognize him. They didn’t answer the door. But then my friend jiggled the door knob because he knew I might be out back or in the garage or something. The girls freaked. They were so scared. When I showed up they ran to me scared and I assured them…I will protect them…and they will be ok, I won’t let anyone hurt them. And they calmed down. I understood their fear. I didn’t roll my eyes and say “If you had my perspective you wouldn’t be afraid”. I didn’t get frustrated with them and say “Oh ye of little faith”.
I want to have more faith. I want to believe he is good and can be trusted. I want to believe that he did more than save us and then leave us. I want to believe he cares.
So…who can help me. My counselor is helping me heal from the trauma. And maybe that will open the door to trust God. Maybe. But who can help me trust God? If there is no God or he isn’t good…I need to go find that guy in the truck and deal with him. If there is no God or he isn’t good…I need to go find all the human traffickers and deal with them. If there is no God or he isn’t good…I need to find a remote cabin and move my family there and build me a compound.
But there is a God. And he is good. Right?
Brint's Blog 