I’ve wondered what it’s like to trust…anything…
I remember an NBA basketball player once saying, “There are only three certainties in life, death, taxes and my jump shot”. I sometimes feel that way about my 7 iron. I trust it completely.
What do I trust? Really. Who do I trust is an even harder question.
Trust implies reliability. I sit here and am blocked. What about this computer I’m typing on? Do I trust it will turn on every time I open the lid? Nope. What about my car? Do I trust it will start every time? Nope. I do trust the chairs in the house that they won’t break when I sit in them. I also trust the lights will turn on every time I flip the switch.
Reliable…
Why do I struggle so much with trust? Well, of course, there is an obvious answer.
But how does one rebuild trust?
I think it takes time. I need to take a step back and make note of all the things and people in my life that are…”reliable”. Not perfect.
And that’s the problem. Because the wound of a trust violated is so deep, I learned a coping mechanism early. One strike and you’re out. I have the uncanny ability to move on from a thing or relationship that proves itself unreliable. Even just once. A response I learned at 12 almost overnight. For protection.
Reliability and perfection were synonymous. Grace was not the norm. One strike and you’re out. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
You know who said that? Stephen King. The guy who has no memory of his childhood because of certain traumas. I wonder how trusting he is.
I want to forgive…I want to trust…
If anyone knows the directions to the road called forgiveness or trust, can you give them to me? Right now the road I’m on is called doubt…
Third day of the purple pill. Some nausea but no headaches. Thankful for that.
Brint's Blog 