Childbirth…

Tension…so much tension. Almost an audible groaning.

I watch a golf tournament and it makes me happy. Then I look around and no fans and it makes me feel heavy.

I watch the NBA and I love the live sports. Then I see the cardboard cutouts of people and I feel heavy.

I go to Starbucks to work and I’m happy. Then I go to the counter to pick up my order and an employee yelled at me to put on a mask and I feel heavy again.

My daughter’s college encourages kids they are opening on time, then a week before move in they delay it 3 weeks and go online classes and we feel heavy. (I feel duped…which is unfortunate that I feel that way. Groaning

My mom is afraid of the virus. Very. Thinks half the world has it. She is very tense about it. So am I. For the exact opposite reason. But…tension nonetheless.

Here’s something I’m ashamed of. I feel both a victim and the need to become more in control. Both of those emotions reflect the same thing. My lack of trust. Neither of them am I proud of. At all. I’m seeing too much of…me.

The lack of trust creates a need for control. To protect…me.

I’m tired of…me. Talked to counselor about that today. I said that there is too much focus on me. She asked me if I broke my leg and had surgery to repair it, would I go to therapy? I said yes, of course, otherwise it wouldn’t heal. She said, that’s what this season is. Therapy to heal.

Whatever…play hurt I say. Wounds shmounds…

My problem is my wounds are unseen. If I had cancer or a broken leg, people would understand me taking time for myself to heal. But why do I care what people would understand or not? I understand. That should be enough.

Romans 8 gave me some insight this morning. Lots of talk about the suffering of creation and then the famous “works all things for good” verse.

I think now more than any time I can ever remember…the earth is groaning.

The pain of child birth will turn to to joy.

Joy…a confidence that God is on the throne, He is good and not surprised.

The key to releasing the joy…first release the hurt…apparently that involves telling the details…

Oh joy…:)