I am constantly aware of my surroundings
I am hyper sensitive to sketchy areas
I am nervous in large crowds
I like to live high on a hill
I carry a gun
I sit with my back to the wall so I can see the whole room
Have I been in a war? Or do I just not trust much?
Some days are like that. The world is heavy. This is my youngest daughters last week of being here, she leaves for college. Heavy. I think I’m not alone in this. The world is so very heavy…oppressed really.
And that triggers the heck out of me. I want to sit in a corner of the world and put my back to it. I’m in a war of sorts. A war with my trauma.
Yesterday counselor said there are big T’s and little t’s. Traumas. Getting in a car wreck. Little t. Abuse, big T. The traumas in life create “files” and those files get stored away until the mind and body are ready or are forced to deal with them.
I don’t want to be at war anymore. I want to accept them and give them space in my life. If I can do that, maybe they will transition to the next phase…purpose.
Today I watched a squirrel for a good 5 minutes. This thing was all over the place. Ran down a tree onto the lawn…jumped straight up….ran back to the tree. Up the tree and then jumped to the power pole next to the tree and down the pole back to the same place on the lawn…and sat there.
He didn’t seem to notice the heaviness. The war.
Lately I’ve wanted a dog.
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