Stress got to me this weekend. Don’t really know why. Maybe because I revealed the details to my counselor and regret and shame have kicked in. And then, as I was writing in my journal and reading something hit me for the briefest of seconds.
Trouble is the given. I spend SO much effort trying to avoid trouble. SO much effort trying to control my circumstances so trouble passes me by. I seek Passover every day. Looking for the lamb’s blood to put on my door so trouble passes me by.
Exhausting
I find solace on the putting green and then a car alarm goes off. Casual stroll down the street to relax and a motorcycle with a really crappy muffler goes by. (some people call it a Harley…I call it the worst engine ever made that found a clientele in men with an inferiority complex…sorry Drew). A walk by a quiet house and Kujo about jumps the fence to eat me.
The world is full of trouble. And I spend way too much time trying to avoid it
My heart is like that. It’s just trouble to me. Suffering. Gets in the way of my back swing.
I do need a break. Tried to do it in April and the world…closed. Weird, but yeah, the world…closed. So I had to come back to Denver. I do need a break but, I think the whole world needs a break. Stress unlike never before and greater than any war.
Acceptance. More…a lack of resistance. I’m starting to resist less. That’s a good thing. I even wore a mask outside today (because yes, a ridiculous coffee shop named Crema downtown required you to wear it outside while you wait for your coffee. Outside!). I’m genuinely amazed and envious of people who have no problem accepting such lunacy. Genuinely wish I was more like that.
But I’m not, and I never will be. Which again…another example of less resistance! Get it? Yeah, it made me laugh too. 🙂
I was reminded of my conversation with Casey Martin. “Suffering is the norm…”
He’s right and the sooner I accept it, the better off I will be.
Here’s the rub…and I’ve said this before…I can only accept it if I believe God is in control and that he is good.
For the briefest of moments as I was writing tonight I felt it. Peace. It was literally about 10 seconds but I felt it. Peace. Pain in my chest…peace. As if I didn’t need to worry.
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