I wish I could talk to someone who has been in a war. What is it like to come home from a war and not be in “war mode”? How do they turn it off? How do you go from daily life and death threats to going to the grocery store and not looking around to see what might be a threat?
I do it all the time. I’ve written about it before. Constantly head on a swivel. What I’ve noticed lately since I revealed the details to my counselor is that my head is on a swivel now with people I know.
You know…pessimism and paranoia…are always right….eventually.
I am not a pessimist. Probably not an optimist. But right now, I’m for sure feeling like a pessimist. I’m absolutely convinced someone is about to do something to hurt me.
So I ask why…
- I deal with a pain in my chest every day that feels like a heart attack
- I just revealed the details of my abuse
- My last job I trusted my employer and they turned out to be VERY untrustworthy
So what does it look like to return from war? The pain in my chest doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. And so what I hope to live by is what Paul discovered…and it took him a while to discover it. 2 Corinthians. Paul asked God to take away his “thorn in the flesh” and God said, “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more in my weakness”
I have about a 12 inch scar down the front of my chest. I hope to someday soon boast about the weakness this represents because God’s power will more than cover my weakness.
Revealing the details of my abuse. I think that will just take time. Get used to the idea that it’s no longer a secret. But…I wonder if I will ever be able to really think the details have been revealed because it was with someone that is unable to share it. I wonder if I need to share it with someone that I will have to trust to fully believe I don’t have to be ashamed. Any volunteers? Of course not…who wants to know that kind of awfulness. But I do want to know what it’s like to reveal dark secrets and see if I’m loved anyway.
As for my last job…as Joseph said, “What you meant for evil, God meant for good”. I believe that. But doesn’t change the fact that they used my heart issues as a weapon. Soon I will forgive. I know if I don’t it’s like drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick. I want to forgive, I ache for that day to forgive my abuser, those who didn’t believe me about my heart, and others…soon.
But today….is “less resistance” day. Today I was yelled at by a homeless person because I wasn’t smiling. I normally would resist engaging with something like that. Instead…I smiled.
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