I got a call this week from a young man. He is losing his job…again. It’s late at night and my fingers freeze on the keyboard. I don’t know what to say.
We all have fears. I’m tempted to tell you mine. But something in me says I need to stop doing that. Stop making myself so vulnerable. But suffice to say we all have them. I am afraid of heights. To the point where when Rafeeki holds Simba out over pride rock…I cringe and say, “Pull him back!”.
And yesterday when I talked to that young man and I got off the phone…I cried.
I can help him. Make connections. Maybe even hire him. But what I can’t do…is make him believe something different than what he believes. After a while he starts to wonder if there is something wrong with him. Everything he thought was true…maybe it’s not. That’s a tough place. What’s the narrative in his head? That he’s not valuable? That there is something about him that is flawed and he doesn’t know what it is? Is he good enough?
The narrative in my head is burn out. There’s a song that has been in my head for a year. Imagine Dragons – Burn Out
It’s a plea to not burn out on me. I’m asking my friends to not burn out on me. The narrative in my head is that I’m to be used and people are just waiting for me to get better. So there are two people of the same name that hurt me…I hate that name.
Time for me to change the story. I’m not a burden because of my chest pain, I’m strong and I didn’t give in to drugs or the first 12 doctors that told me nothing was wrong with me. I’m not disgusting because of my abuse, I was hurt and it wasn’t my fault. I was 12. And it was a crime. I don’t have to be afraid anymore.
My young friend is afraid. But I learned something this week. Fear is NOT what keeps me safe. After reliving the details with my therapist I started to feel pretty unsafe.
But fear is not what keeps me safe! Strength learned from past experiences is what keeps me safe. Faith in a God who is good is what keeps me safe. Friends and family looking out for me is what keeps me safe.
The past created something…good…but am I? Am I good? Am I?
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