For about 2 years I was involved in a software build. A proprietary system built from scratch. About 3/4 of the way through we found there was a bug. Something about it we wanted to…reprogram. We had to do testing and more testing to find the bug. We found it but then realized something.
The problem was that the programming took a very long time. “Re” programming was going to take even longer. It wasn’t just the section we wanted to change because all the other sections were connected to that piece. So if we changed that section of the code, we then had to follow the crumbs through all the other sections.
It was easier just to move on and not make the change.
Same with my head. The programming has taken quite a long time. Approximately 42 years in fact. Then over the last couple of years I realized there was a bug. The “program” wasn’t working as it had in the past.
I realized my “app” needed updating…yet my battery was at 1%. You can’t update the apps when the battery is at 1%. I needed to recharge.
I’ve recharged over the past 188 days and am at 65% battery so if you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been trying to find the “bug”. Tough to do when the bug is so well hidden in the programming. In fact the bug doesn’t look like a bug at all. It looks like it works! it looks like it’s protecting me. But it’s not…
The bug is…I am programmed to believe that I am a burden and not worth the extra effort to take care of or help. To overcome that fact I am also programmed to achieve success and be of great help to people so that I am the farthest thing from a burden. I am PROGRAMMED to fight and provide and protect…or what good am I?
Of course this doesn’t come from nowhere. We aren’t born with this. It came from “programming”. From the abuse, from not being believed about my heart, from business partners who said my heart issue was safe with them and then turned. Programming.
So that’s the bug. And what a blessing to know what the bug is. Most people operate their whole lives and don’t realize this awareness.
Now the reprogramming. Which is what I’ve been trying to do in counseling.
You know a river doesn’t redirect its path with its current flow. In other words, the river’s path will stay the same path unless one of two things happens. Man made intervention like a damn or a wall. Or…a flood.
When a river is flooding and over its banks, it can actually redirect it’s decades old path. It happened to the Platte river here in Colorado just one year ago. The river flooded and breached its banks and forged across private land and created a shortcut to its connection to the Missouri river. It’s permanent.
The flood in my world is the perfect storm I wrote about a few posts back. I’m overwhelmed and flooded with things and it is forcing me to reprogram my brain. A new and permanent path.
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