So the newly forged river path…is it good?
It depends on who you ask. When I was younger I lived in a town on the river banks of the Missouri river. Over a period of months there was major flooding along the Missouri. It was called the “great flood of 1993”. It was devastating. $15B in damages. The Missouri and Mississippi rivers are long, wide and shallow. Mature rivers.
A young river is more like a V shape and rushes hard and fast. A mature river is typically wider and more shallow. It also runs slower. Years of erosion creates a wider and slower river.
I feel pretty lucky lately. The flood of emotions and experiences and past memories that have overwhelmed me the last 6 months have not been one of a new river in a v shaped canyon. That kind of flooding is somewhat violent. It’s a raging river destroying things in its way, eroding lots of shoreline. The flood I’m experiencing is more of a wide river that has breached its banks over time and created new paths.
What the hell am I talking about?
The new paths are things like:
*learning that I’m not a burden to the world and that I don’t need to perform to make up for my heart issue
*learning that maybe I’m worth the extra effort to some people
*learning…and this is a big one…that maybe my heart issue is actually a blessing because it humbles me and makes me more compassionate and understanding
How do I know the paths are taking shape? People are helping me…and I’m letting them. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. In fact, I am grateful for it.
When I was in my early 20s I worked at a church in Houston. I was the Youth Pastor. I worked for a guy that was frankly…a manipulative narcissist. Shocking quality in a large church senior pastor, I know. But there was a woman that worked there who was like a second mom to me. Amazing woman. It was at this time in my life that I found Dr. McMullen. Had heart surgery and a pacemaker implanted. I don’t know if I’ve told that story. Have I told it? I don’t remember. Fascinating story. It involves a pacemaker, a bloody clump, colon cancer, 30 lbs lost, a guy screaming “take it out, take it out” and a boss/Sr Pastor who said, “some people have a low tolerance for pain”. I tested his tolerance for pain when he said it.
One day I was having a particularly hard day with my heart and I was home in bed. This woman who was like my second mom called me and asked if she could bring me dinner and sit with me. I told her that I was fine but thank you.
She then scolded me and said, “Do NOT deny me the blessing of loving you!”
A friend today was asked a question and he repeated it to me, “What’s the one word you think of when you think of God’s thought of you?”
I hope part of the new path in my brain that’s developing is creating one word…blessing…I want to believe I am a blessing to God and people…
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