I sent this update to a friend recently. They thought I should post it. Here you go…
It has been 213 days since this journey began. It was as dark a time as I’ve ever thought existed. A lot has happened in that relatively short amount of time. Some things have changed and some things haven’t. The one thing that hasn’t is the pain. The physical pain has been pretty constant and intense. However, there are many things that have changed:
- My attitude. I am learning what it’s like to live with pain as a blessing and not a curse. It’s a journey…a daily one…but I’m on the journey. What that looks like is a daily regimen of gratitude. Looking for things large and small to be thankful for. I also do meditations every day that help my mindset as well. They focus a lot on getting my mind off the pain or at least segregating it from “myself”.
- My purpose. I am entertaining the idea that possibly this condition is a blessing to others. That’s even hard to type. But maybe, just maybe, the condition over the years and my experiences have made me a better person than I otherwise would have been. And if so, then that’s a blessing and not a burden to those around me.
- Acceptance and purpose. Ultimately I want to know God’s purpose in this…but I’m guessing I won’t this side of heaven. I want to believe He’s not just cruel. Or that it’s payment for my sin. I want to believe there is a good purpose to this. First…acceptance.
- I have accepted that the medical community has done what they can do. I have one last thing and that’s to get away for 10 days and try the nitrate and see if my body will adjust to the headaches. They say it can take 7-10 days for the body to adjust and I haven’t had the time to do that yet. If that works that would be a game changer so we will see. But overall, I have accepted this. I am no longer at war with my body. I don’t like it…at all. It’s very frustrating. But I am learning to be more kind to myself and lay down when I need to etc. I have been at war with my body for 42 years trying to “win” and beat it and it’s time to accept it. And I have.
- Counseling. Counseling has been huge. I have learned so much about a number of things and in a very short period of time. One…is that it’s not up to me. The abuse and the heart condition taught me that early and it’s not true. I have an amazing group of people around me that care deeply and so it’s not all up to me. I no longer have to perform to receive love. I am loved as is. Two…is that it’s not my fault. What happened was not my fault. It happened to me not because of me. Three…healing takes time. I am healing…but I will not be cured. Healing is about living as a whole person. A child of God broken and hurt but wholly loved and healing. I don’t believe I will be cured this side of heaven but I believe I am healing. I am becoming whole. A big part of that will be forgiveness. I hope to forgive soon.
To those of you that have helped this process…something I realized just last weekend with some friends…God’s love doesn’t come through prayer and thinking about it. It sometimes can come directly from him miraculously but I realized that God’s love comes from his people. The time you’ve spent to write to me, have coffee with me, support me emotionally, through prayer and financially…are all God’s love to me. I am learning to love myself because you all have loved me.
I am learning to think I’m not a burden to the world. I am learning that my heart and my past are loved and accepted. I am learning that those who have hurt me deserve forgiveness. I am learning that I am worthy of the “extra effort”. And that’s because of you. No words can express my gratitude. You have literally saved my life in more ways than one and I am no longer ashamed to say that I needed help and as strong as I am, I am stronger when I say “help”.
I’m afraid to send this. Pretty vulnerable. But the last thing I’m learning…it’s not fear that protects me. It’s my experience, my strength and my God.
Thank you for helping.
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