Princess Bride

I was disappointed when TCU lost last weekend. (I need to get used to that disappointment)

I was disappointed when our annual guys trip to Cal got cancelled.

I am disappointed in the decisions of the governors of late and the general public’s blind willingness to give up our freedoms. (it really triggers my trauma to not be free)

I am disappointed that my 4 iron isn’t the same swing weight as the rest of the irons like they said it would be.

I am disappointed that my car isn’t as fast as my nephews that I recently got to drive.

I am disappointed that cold weather is here.

I am disappointed to learn that living in altitude may be contributing to my pain.

I am disappointed that the color purple is only the name of an old movie and not an accepted house color.

Why am I listing some of my disappointments?

Recently I realized something about myself. Something pretty frightening. I am deathly afraid of “being” a disappointment. Not to everyone. I couldn’t care less if the guy at the restaurant views me as a disappointment because I order coke and not wine. Just sayin’. But for those few that are really close to me…I’m deathly afraid of “being” a disappointment.

What I mean is, I already feel like I’m a disappointment. My heart, my trauma…what a disappointment I must be compared to the way I used to be. My big red nose and floppy shoes don’t fit anymore and I wonder if I’m a disappointment.

I’ve lost a friend because I was a disappointment to him. And honestly, truly, I couldn’t possibly care less. He obviously wasn’t a real friend to begin with. His loss.

But for the few that I truly trust and are close to me…deathly afraid. Because disappointment implies a value assessment. I can be disappointed in a decision, an outcome or a situation, but to be disappointed in a person?? I’m not sure I believe in that as a concept. I mean who am I that I have the right to be disappointed in a person. A person’s value doesn’t change regardless of what they do.

Anyway, most importantly, I assign WAY too much value to that for myself. So much so that I live in fear and spend way too much energy trying not to disappoint those closest to me. Result…exhaustion. Stress.

One of my favorite movies has these lines between two guys:

“Who are you?!” “No one of consequence” “I must know!” “Then get used to disappointment” “Ok”

I WISH it were that easy to “get used to disappointment”. But if it were easy, then that means I really didn’t care as much as I thought.

I am hoping to start reframing that narrative in my head. But I have to believe it first. That I am not a disappointment. That those closest to me are not tired of me and in fact view friendship with me as a blessing, not a burden.

I have lots of evidence to believe that. And yet…my fear that I would be a disappointment is in the drivers seat.

Fear isn’t what protects me, faith and my strength protect me.

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