For as long as I can remember I have created a story. For everything that happens there is a story behind it. Nothing was random. Nothing was pointless. There was always a story. My sister when she would mock me or mess with me she would get super sarcastic and say “What’s your story?!”
I create stories…
- I remember one at 12 where I was chosen for one of two city all-star teams to compete in the little league world series without trying out and I created a story. “Coach was confusing me with someone else” “Someone had gotten hurt and they were low on players”
- Yesterday a Prius honked at me. A Prius. A Prius! So I created a story. “The Prius owner was so arrogant (that part is just true:)) that they decided to honk at me because I was going too slow and I was in a gas guzzling car”
- One time I sent an email for work and made what I thought was a funny comment. I got no response from anyone and so I created a story. “They are talking about me and are figuring out ways to let me go”
- I send a txt, I get no reply. I create a story. “Must be upset with me about something. What have I done this time?”
- I am waiting in line outside at a downtown store and a sketchy car drives by slowly and I create a story. “They have decided this crowd is the one they will do a drive by on and so I flip the safety off the gun on my leg and I suddenly become aware of all the safe routes out of there”
- My heart hurts…and I create a story. “God must either be mean or indifferent. He is either punishing me or he doesn’t care”.
I could go on and on. Someone once said not to take things personal and always assume the best. Well wouldn’t that be nice. I imagine the first few days in the garden of eden that’s how things were. Since then…not so much.
When there is an unknown (a dark alley), people don’t assume the best. It’s not human nature.
We watched a show recently called Ted Lasso. It’s so good. But what makes it so good for me is how incredibly, delusionaly, optimistic this guy is. No matter what happens he is optimistic. I wish I was that way. Actually, not that much. I don’t have that kind of energy or personality to be that optimistic. But I do wish I wasn’t always creating a story to protect myself.
That’s what those stories do. They basically create a narrative that puts a wall between me and others. They tell me something negative so as for me to not trust others and subsequently be safer.
Turns out the all-star coach had scouted me and didn’t need to see me tryout. Turns out no one got shot at the ice cream store and the sketchy car was just looking for a place to park because they wanted ice cream too. Turns out the email response just came later. Same with the txt. They were busy. Turns out the Prius…well…it’s a Prius driver, so that story was just true. And I wish I had a good narrative for the chest pain…but I don’t yet. If any of you can think of one…I’m all ears.
But…I want to get less good at protecting myself. I want to be more trusting. That’s hard. 2020 was not the year for me to look at as an example where I can trust. The abuse was at the forefront. Chest pain is as bad as ever. I trusted people at my old job who stabbed me in the back. The government has trapped kids with their abusers since April with zero consideration for it…and proven they cannot be trusted.
And yet…I want to get better at trusting. I keep going over and over in my head…”how can I trust people around me? how can I trust a God who seemingly doesn’t care?” Trust is about a belief in a person or thing. And while I can’t look around at 2020 as evidence for trusting God…I don’t need to. I don’t trust what He does…but I want to trust who He is.
So I think Covid is my fault. I have asked God to help me trust Him. And so…He has given me things to trust Him about. He apparently brought on a world wide pandemic to teach me to trust Him. Sorry.
Paul would write over and over in his letters how he wanted to return to Rome. Made all the sense in the world and yet over and over God put roadblocks in his way and never let him go back. Paul never understood. I want to move to lower elevation but for various reasons it can’t happen right now. And I’m frustrated. I don’t understand.
Covid…no one understands. So how about this for a narrative. Covid has been around for decades. It shows up in this form now for what reason? What’s the story? What’s the story we can tell ourselves?
How about this…”God loves us. Trust that”
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