Why the tears? I don’t know.
Why the anger? I don’t know.
Why the sadness? I don’t know.
Out of nowhere, with no apparent trigger, these things flow. Today on the way to work in my car. Why? I don’t know. And each time they did, I would apologize. To others. To myself, I would tell myself to get a grip and ask myself what the hell is going on.
I didn’t know, until today.
I’ve been learning over the past several months…wait…that’s not true. I’ve been told over the past several months that I should give my feelings space. And yet, when I do, they seem to make others uncomfortable. So, I then assumed, that it wasn’t good to give my feelings space. I frequently wrote in my journal about wishing to put the genie back in the bottle. Wishing I’d never gone down this road to heal the trauma of my past or the trauma of my present. Wishing I would have just kept it to myself and locked away in that corner of my brain.
But I’ve realized that while I sincerely wish I could do that…I can’t. It’s like cutting open a feather pillow on a windy day and then trying to get the feathers back in the pillow.
The feelings and thoughts that have come since that fateful day of March 19th, came because I simply could not contain them anymore. So they are here…and it turns out that my anger, and my sadness…are right on time.
I was asked today, “Have you ever just let someone have it? Just had too much to drink and spewed anger at someone?” Nope. I’ve never just unloaded anger at someone that hurt me. I have anger. I am angry. But I reserve it’s expression for the rare moment alone during a workout that I just can’t hold it back. Right now there are a couple of guys that I want to let it fly. They need to feel my anger. Not for revenge, but out of respect for the hurt they caused. But I’ve never done it. Honestly I’m a little afraid of what I would do.
The other day one of my daughters just out of the blue started crying. Just anxiety. She wondered why and I said, “If you’re human, you have anxiety right now. The threats we all live with are real and your brain has to let some of it out.” So I was so glad she did.
To some people the threat is getting the virus. To other people the threat is the government’s response to it. But both are real and both are intense. So anxiety is part of our every day life and has been for 9 months. That’s a VERY long time in the book of anxiety chapter. Days feeling threatened is incredibly difficult, weeks….too much. Months, can’t do it.
Now…add the threat to people who have experienced trauma and this time can be devastating. It is causing suicide rates to soar, head meds prescriptions are skyrocketing and counselors are quitting the profession because they are overwhelmed. People who have experienced trauma in their past who are living in this threat are either staying home afraid, experiencing depression like no other time or…sharpening their tools.
What’s my point?
Today I actually learned. I learned that I have to give my feelings space and not only that, the feelings of anger and sadness are right on time. In the 5 stages of grief order I was told today…anger is 3, sadness is 4, acceptance is 5. And if I don’t give space for the anger and sadness, they will haunt me. I can’t put the feathers back in the pillow. And they are starting to haunt me in my dreams. I have nightmares 5 out of 7 nights a week. So….I am going to give space to it every day. I am going to set aside 15-30 minutes a day to give myself the freedom to feel those things. Doesn’t mean I will feel anger or sadness during that time, but what it does mean is my brain will know that every day there will be a time for it and so it doesn’t have to force its way out in a dream.
For those of you/us that are feeling anxious or angry or sad and can’t figure out why, it’s because you feel threatened. You are threatened. Every day. Warnings at every store what you must do or else. Warnings from the CDC. Warnings from the loud speaker at the airport. Threats, warnings, everywhere you go outside your home. Today I went into a coffee shop that had “maximum of 5 people in the store at a time”. I looked around and counted 4 employees and 1 customer. So I left. I didn’t want to deal with the off-chance that those knuckleheads actually meant what they wrote versus meant 5 customers. Because if so and someone said something to me (threatened me), it wouldn’t go well. So, I just left. For some of you, staying at home is a threat because your home life isn’t safe. Those are the people I fear for the most. If that’s you, please reach out to me.
Give yourself some space to feel and let it out and don’t apologize for it. If you’re 4 years old and you’re angry you sit on the floor at the grocery store and scream. If you’re 40 years old and you’re angry you….don’t.
Anger can be expressed on paper and then exercised out of the body through doing something physical.
I consider it a privilege when my kids share their feelings with me. Yet, when I share my feelings I feel like I’m burdening everyone. I feel like everyone needs me to get back to being superman. But I need to stop telling myself that narrative and just give myself space to feel. If I do, I will move through the stages and reach acceptance.
Maybe it will cause some of my relationships to change because people will be uncomfortable with the “authentic” me.
After great prayer and contemplation of that possibility, I respond with…
Ok.
I can’t put the genie back in the bottle and I can’t find the feathers.
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