I used to think about what I wanted to “unknow”. Something I know but didn’t want to know anymore.
I used to answer that it was that my daughter’s would date. I knew it would happen but I didn’t need to know it in advance.
But now my answer would be different. As I thought a lot about it I figured it would be a pretty long list. Turns out it’s not that long. That was pretty encouraging to me frankly. To realize that there aren’t a lot of things in my life I’d like to forget. I took inventory recently of a lot of significant events in my life. Good and bad. And I realized that even with most of the bad ones, I learned something so it was ok.
But there are a few memories…yeah…really wish I could just unknow those. And given I don’t have any memories before 12…I’m guessing I actually did unknow some things. That’s been one of my fears throughout this process, that I would uncover anything more bad. So far I haven’t.
It turns out that the mind has an amazing ability to “unknow” stuff. The official word is “repress” stuff but what’s the difference?
And then there are things that happened recently…wish I didn’t know what I know. Betrayal of people I thought were friends. Never had that happen before.
I’ve tried to put the toothpaste back in the tube recently and it didn’t work. Tried to disassociate or repress and it didn’t work. I was rewarded with worse nightmares and fear.
I’ve often described a lack of communication as “dark alleys” and when those happen, people assume the worst, not the best. It’s human nature.
I didn’t realize it but turns out I can lie to myself. I can actually not be honest with myself. So I decided to test that theory out for a day. I lied to myself and said that everyone that walked into this coffee shop really thought I was the smartest person on earth. It was just a well known fact. I was Chuck James (bring up the Dave Chappelle’s Rick James video) and I was the smartest guy on earth.
Turns out…by the end of the day…I was feeling pretty smart.
I wonder if I can do that with my trauma and fear of being betrayed. I wonder if I can talk myself out of it. It’s actually a well known therapy technique (as long as the anger and sadness have been expressed).
What will I tell myself today in the coffee shop…
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