What If…

What if I knew the answer to the question?

I ask myself a lot of questions and it’s VERY rare that I am 100% confident of the answer.

But what if I knew…THE answer…every time…

And what if I only had 3 questions I could ask to get the full true answer that I could 100% rely on. What would I ask?

Question one: Am I loved?

There are people in my life that say “I love you”.

There is a God that says, “For I so loved you…”

But: Am I loved?

Why don’t I accept the answer? Because I know something they don’t know.

I know what I am capable of.

I know I could have a stroke…who will love me if I have a stroke?

I know I could hurt someone…who will love me when I hurt someone?

I know I could just say screw this and disappear…who will love me when I disappear?

So: Am I loved?

What if I knew the answer and THE answer was…yes?

What would that change in me? Would my life change if I knew with 100% confidence that I was fully loved no matter what?

It would change….A LOT

Question two: Am I safe?

I don’t mean safe from any harm. I don’t want a perfect life. I mean…safe…as in even if I get in a car wreck the air bags will deploy and I might be injured but I’m safe. As in even if I’m betrayed by people I trust that I am safe because…well because who I am isn’t defined by that betrayal and…I am loved. As in even if I lose my job I have a God and family and friends that will step in and help me. As in even if I have a heart attack and die today that I am going to heaven…safe.

Am I safe? Today I was walking near the golf course and a storm came in and lightning struck VERY close to me. Crazy close. Ears still ringing from it. So…I went to the car. Because I knew I’d be “safe” there.

I know where to go when there is lightning. And I now understand why people just sometimes disappear. As long as you are exposed and need others…safe…is threatened. But what if there were something or someone higher that says I’m safe?

I don’t know if I’m safe.

Question three: Am I valuable?

There are times I know I’m valuable. I do something nice or helpful and I get feedback. “Thank you”. I know then that what I did was valuable. But am I valuable? I know I can do things that people value. I can provide things. Material things. Loving things. Protective things. And those are good and valuable. But what if I don’t…what if I forget…what if I can’t…what’s my value then?

I remember watching a documentary once called “The Race to Nowhere” or something like that. It was basically about the rat race our kids are on. Racing, racing, racing. To finish…”first”? Advanced Placement classes. Honors classes. Dual curriculum. Volunteer credits. It’s the same for sports. Commit to your sport at 9 years old and join the best “club” otherwise you will be behind all the other kids. All for what? To get into a good school of course! And then what? Do the same thing for another 4 to 6 years. And then what? To get a good job of course! And then what? Ultimately the point of the documentary was the price to achieve the 1% was too high and in fact it was dangerous. Burned out kids wanting to end it all because it was pointless!

I sometimes feel like my value is measured the same way. I’m racing around trying to please others and achieve more and provide for others all in the hope that they will tell me I’m valuable.

But what if I fail? What if I make the wrong choice and things don’t go well? Am I still valuable? Of course no one would say “no”. But would they treat me as if…

Those are my 3 questions. Loved, Safe, Valuable.

How can I know?

I can look back I suppose. I’ve been betrayed…and people stepped in to care for me and I’m still standing. I’ve had a heart attack and been in a hospital bed with open heart surgery…and people stepped in and showed up and cared for me. I’ve failed…and people still spend time with me. I’ve been abandoned by my parents…and new parents stepped in to take care of me and raise me.

I have 55 years of experiences of love, safety and value…and yet I question!

How can I know?

I’m not sure I can “know”. But I can believe…