The other day the girls at the kitchen island were talking about their cat who had passed and all of the sudden they were crying. And laughing. And crying. And laughing.
I sat at one end of the island perplexed. I didn’t understand and I didn’t know what to do. I was at a crossroads. Were they sad or were they crying because they were laughing so hard? or both? A true field of landmines lay before me. I sat motionless. I wanted to express understanding…but I simply did not know how.
For decades people have been around me when my chest pain kicks in. And many many times they are perplexed. Not sure what to do.
When that happens I feel bad for them. Must be hard to see something so weird as someone feeling chest pain and not be able to do anything to help.
I don’t think the girls felt bad for me. 🙂
I should have done with them what I want done with me. Just ask questions. Genuine questions about what it’s like. The sessions this week reminded me that understanding creates healing. But what I hadn’t realized is that the understanding must start with me.
I’ve written about understanding, forgiveness, patience and liking me if I’m a row boat. Most of the time wondering if others will. And now, I’m wondering if I will. Of myself. When will I be more understanding and forgiving of myself. I find it terribly easy to defend others and give them grace and terribly difficult to give it to myself. Recently something really wrong happened to me at work. I defended the people at first. I was understanding of their point of view. Turns out what I really was doing was disrespecting and not being understanding…of me.
I’ve felt a lot of shame dredging up this stuff. I’ve felt a lot of responsibility. And now I want to feel a lot of forgiveness….from me.
I genuinely don’t know why is it so easy to forgive others and so hard to forgive myself…
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