When I was 14 my life was basically like the movie Sandlot. A bunch of neighborhood boys every day playing baseball or football or basketball. Every day. There were 6 of us. John, Sean, Darren, Steve, Jimmy and me.
I’ve always said I need 6 friends because I need 6 to carry the casket. 🙂
We were mischievous to say the least. At one point we broke into a garage of some guy in our neighborhood and used it as our “hideout”. By hideout I mean it’s where we stashed the things we stole. Sometimes it was minor things, sometimes not so minor. Most of us were paperboys so up at 3 or 4 am to deliver papers. No matter the weather. You could hear a paperboy scream for miles if a rubber band broke and snapped your finger on a 20 degree morning.
The problem was that around 5 or 6 am there was nothing to do. You couldn’t go back to sleep and so we got into “mischief”. Steve would go into the 7-Eleven and distract the store keeper and Dolly Madison guy while I would climb in the back of the truck and get our morning breakfast.
At one point there was a chase. Broke into a guys car and he caught us and as planned, Steve was hiding while I broke in and when the guy grabbed me, Steve scared him and he let go and we both scattered. And…as always, 30 minutes later we landed at the hideout. Bad timing though…as the hideout was occupied by the guy who owned the garage and he was in the garage as we climbed up on the roof and through the window to get inside. We were caught. So we decided to tell him we were being chased by two big bullies and they were in the alley waiting for us. This guy decided to be our hero and go out and confront the bullies. That’s when we ran again.
I’ve been running my whole life. And lately I’ve realized what I’m chasing. Significance. I’ve always wanted to be significant. I wanted to matter. When I was 12 I learned a lesson and it was that I didn’t really matter. I was a burden. From that point on I chased it. Significance. Definition: worthy of attention, important.
Sadly, I chased it. I wanted to be worthy of attention. In my head the only way to do that was to be the best at whatever I did and to also provide for others so that I never needed anything so as not to be a burden. I had to be the opposite, I had to alleviate others burdens or I wasn’t worthy of “attention” or…love.
I’m embarrassed to admit it but frankly just now learning what it means not to.
This week I’m learning a concept called Radical Acceptance.
For example, around noon every day I get hungry. And I stop what I’m doing…and eat. Radical right? So I’ve got a heart condition…and it causes pain. At times, unimaginable pain. Not the kind of pain that comes from something obvious that people can see. Embarrassing, humiliating. And at times I may need to stop what I’m doing and sit down. Or just stop for a second and breathe or rest. And every time I do…I apologize to whoever is with me.
Do I apologize for getting lunch when I’m hungry? No. Because it’s part of the normal human existence.
Well, this condition is part of my normal human existence. And so I want to learn how to accept it as it is. Without shame or embarrassment. I played golf with some friends this week and it hit me on one of the tee boxes. I had to stop. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn’t apologize.
If I can begin to do that, maybe I can stop chasing significance through proving to others I’m worthy of attention. Maybe I’m worthy of attention just for who I am, which includes my heart condition.
Is who I am good? Inherently? Or do I have to chase it and prove it? Seems like a race to nowhere because of course it’s like the dogs at a race track…they never catch the rabbit.
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