The shadow…

Key the eerie music and then an ominous voice says, “Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men….the Shadow knows….”

A radio show in the 30s and also a comic book. I actually have these old comic books.

Deep dive in session today. I don’t really have any quippy stories to write. Any big lessons to learn. Save one. I have spent 40+ years in the shadows.

I never realized how much strength I’ve spent hiding. Hiding my chest pain and hiding the abuse. The amount of energy it took for 40 years to keep a lid on the emotions that came from being adopted, unprotected and in pain. Too much to describe. Suffice to say…exhausting living in the shadows.

I remember a friend of mine named Mark in high school said, “If you’re going to lie…lie to EVERYBODY”. Now that’s some wisdom to live by. Living lies is exhausting but at least if it’s the same lie maybe it’s easier?

I’ve told lots of people about my heart pain. I’ve never told them it’s unbearable. Shadows. I’ve told a few people about the “abuse”, but no one knows the details. Shadows.

David lived in the shadows. Ps 142 – A psalm of David in the cave. From King to a cave.

Alone. Completely alone. “Look to my right and see no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge, no one cares for my life”. Can you imagine…”no one is concerned for me”.

At my worst moment I believed that too. Things were really rough and I had totally convinced myself that no one would be concerned for me. That I was actually just a huge burden to those around me and they only knew a little. What if they knew a lot. What if they knew the pain was at times unbearable? What if they knew the abuse caused me to lose all memories of my childhood?

“Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men…the Shadow knows” – it’s as if in the shadows there lies the true self. All the secrets. In the darkness it’s easy to hide. But in the daylight not so much. Many a swimsuit season that was optimistic in December was ruined in May by actually going outside for the first time in a swimsuit.

The shadows are not only exhausting, they are lonely. And that’s the worst feeling.

David begged God to set him free from his prison. His cave. Completely alone, fully lonely.

Today after the session I sat in my car. I felt alone. Lonely. I had revealed and processed a lot. I actually asked God to free from my prison. My prison isn’t a cave. My prison is the shadow. Pretending, hiding.

I’m tired of living in the shadows and refuse to anymore.

I had a former colleague call me the other day and ask me how I was. And I told him. Not everything, but enough to be honest. And I didn’t apologize…