He says there is…

So I have my call with Casey scheduled for Friday. (see…WWCD post) I’m very excited. I have a list of questions I’m going to ask him.

How did you learn to accept it? Do you believe there is purpose in it or do you just tolerate it? How do you deal with the “outside circle” of people, do you tell them about the pain? (if any of you have any questions you think i should ask, please feel free to suggest some)

In session today I talked to my counselor about it. She thought it was incredible that I’ve found someone who lives in pain but she challenged me on something. She said, “but is he facing death from his condition”?

As we talked more, she talked a lot about mortality. That there is a different level of anxiety when the pain you’re facing is threatening. Anxiety is partly relieved by being able to take action. If you’re in a war for example…first of all you signed up for it, you trained for it and you have others in it with you. And it’s still a very high anxiety situation obviously. It’s life threatening. If you’re battling an illness, most illnesses, there is the ability to take action. Medicine, procedures, etc. That alone alleviates some of the anxiety of the pain.

She believes (and I hate typing this part so this is where I hope no one is reading this) that because every day I am afraid my heart will give out and there is nothing I can do about it…that that level of anxiety is….well…very high.

I started to cry. I do wonder that….every day.

Mortality is something we all face. Some more than others. But it’s never zero. We all face it…especially when someone close to us passes. I picture it like this. Most people live with mortality in the back of their mind. They know it’s there, but it really doesn’t get in the way of their daily vision or daily living. Sort of like a hoodie. The hood on the sweatshirt is there, but it’s behind you, not really in your line of sight or in the way of anything. Now put the hoodie on backwards and pull it up. Or maybe, a better way to think about it is a hockey mask. In front of your face, having to look through bars or holes to concentrate and see.

The other day I was looking out the window at some coyotes and I was standing back from the window. I could see them great. Then I wanted to get closer so I walked over to the window. And it was hard to see them because I was too close to the screen.

I don’t know what it’s like to not have this. Most of my life I apologized for it, dismissed it and really tried to distance myself from it. Much like the screen on the window. I was afraid if anyone (including me) got too close, the picture of me wouldn’t be so great. Like right now…regret that I’m typing this…people getting too close and the picture won’t be as good.

So i kept my distance. I would talk about it….but from a distance. Like it wasn’t me, it was just a “thing”. And everybody has a thing.

Paul talked about this thorn in the flesh. He said he asked God three times to take it from him and God said, “My grace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in your weakness”.

I remember being in Ethiopia and talking to all these high schoolers and telling them about my scar down my chest. And about my daughter’s scar down her back. I talked about boasting in our scars…for his power is made perfect in our weakness.

Maybe after talking to Casey I will get a better view of what “purpose” this condition could serve. Right now, it’s hard to boast about it. I’ve mostly tried to deny it. (more on that tomorrow). But it seems to have no purpose but to distract me like the hockey mask. In fact, if I’m honest, it seems cruel at times.

I guess that’s what faith is…believing in something I can’t see. Maybe there is a purpose for this. I can’t imagine what it would be…but he says there is…