Spending a lot of time thinking about Casey’s purpose. Where he found acceptance.
I honestly am having a hard time with that.
He has accepted “suffering” as he called it. It’s part of this place that’s not our home, he says.
I also am having a hard time with that.
Why am I fighting it? I go back to an earlier entry where I talked about justice. About how much I want to make wrongs right. Why can’t I accept things as they are?
Casey has learned to manage the pain. After a long day, he can set his leg up and the pain gets much better. Casey has also learned to manage another type of pain. The pain around his career. Why? Why would he be given such a talent only to be limited by his leg? Why, now, when he’s actually playing better than he ever has, did he break his leg and have to fight just to keep it? Why?
Because suffering is part of this place and not our home. He has accepted that.
I asked him a question. “Are you kind to yourself?” He said he’s never thought about it but after thinking…he said…sometimes. Sometimes he pushes harder and sometimes he rests. There are times he is competing and his leg hurts and he gets angry and wants to go harder to prove he can do it.
That made me laugh. I totally get that. I like playing tournaments against younger players because in my head I want them to lose to an old man with a heart condition. 🙂
When he asked about my condition and I told him how the artery worked (or doesn’t work), he teared up. “Pressure pain”…”that’s the worst pain there is Chuck”. Same kind of pain that comes from a kidney stone.
I’m definitely NOT comparing the level of pain, but it’s the same label. Pressure pain.
I don’t know how to accept that. How to make peace with it.
Today the burning sensation was hard. The pain Paul endured for the gospel clearly had a purpose. This seems pointless.
The blind man born that way was to glorify God. To reveal God. That was the purpose and the blind man had nothing to DO. How does that work exactly? How did the blind man glorify God just by being blind?? I do not know…yet…
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