It’s not Nexiam…

When I met with the therapist this week we talked about what it was like to be 12. I don’t know of course because I have no memories of it. Having to act “adult” since 12 puts me in a weird position of not understanding what it means to be “whole”. A whole person has memories and experienced throughout life that feed the current existence.

I basically only know one way to exist and that’s “adulting”. I learned to protect and provide at a very early age. However, since I have no balance of learning what it’s like to be young and protected and provided for, my protecting and providing exists at an extreme level. An extreme and exhausting level.

“Rediscover what it’s like to be 12”, she says. So I left her office and went outside and wandered through the fountain in the courtyard. Then sat down and cried. Cried for the 12 year old boy that doesn’t exist.

I think that makes some people uncomfortable. People only know me as a strong leader type who can take care of anything. Seeing me vulnerable is apparently pretty uncomfortable for some. I get it. I’m sorry for them, but I get it. It’s sort of like when you’re a kid and you see your teacher at the mall. It’s out of context and weird.

I think people want me to get back to the “way I was”. And while being strong is part of who I am, I don’t want to go back to the extreme anymore. I just want normal. Sometimes strong, sometimes not. Courage can’t exist without fear….right?

I tried the new medicine this week. Essentially the same as the old one (nitroglycerine) but smaller dose. Same effect though. Opened the artery, brought on the headache.

When I met with the doc he gave me that med but also said if it had the same effect then we would try a different one. A calcium channel blocker. The nitrate opens up the artery, the blocker relaxes the artery. Not as effective, but worth a try.

So when I stopped the second nitrate this week I opened the blocker bottle. And now I’m convinced I’ve found the drug I’ve been looking for. And I knew it before I took it.

How? You ask.

Because the pill is a pure purple. It’s not violet, it’s not that awful K-state purple. It’s pure, TCU, purple. It HAS to be the one!